Wednesday September 4 2024
"Update"
I think I feel like September is my favorite month. Not sure why. It's not that I like the fall season, so I'm not sure.
Anyways, hello again. The moment I looked at other NeoCities websites after so long, I got... annoyed. I think I feel like I'm just an asshole, yet also oversensitive. I haven't changed a bit, really. I'm still judgmental, still so sex-negative that I'm practically a Puritan... and still resistant to change (that explains a bit).
I didn't touch this site in so long and completely forgot about it until I began an Intro to Web Development class at my university. The only reason I'm taking it is because it's a prerequisite for GIS (Geographic Information Systems) classes. GIS seems to be a pretty important skill for going into environmental science. It's basically spatial data for maps. And stuff.
I guess I'll speak about my judgmentality and sex-negativity. I guess I've been trying to combat both of those...? I don't think I'm even trying hard enough to change. Hell, I don't know if I even WANT to change, which makes me sound undesirable (or something like that). Sometimes I think I'm just full of hate. I'm not even sure if being judgmental even bothers me. Today, it seemed like I didn't even care.
My efforts against being judgmental are so fucking weak. The only strategy I have is saying shit like "oh they're probably a nice person." That's it. It's hardly anything. I don't think I've seen any damn progress. Hell, I think any progress I make just vanishes, and I go back to square one. I don't know if I even have the will to change.
Even if I don't actually express my judgments and don't say any rude comments to others, I think I still feel like a dick. I sorta feel like an outcast on NeoCities. Like I'm "that guy." I feel like I'm probably not worthy of any attention. It's like I have little love for others, like how others on NeoCities seem to.
I have a new online friend, though. He seems really, really wise. I've told him all about this; judgmentality, sex-negativity, resistance to change... yet he still sticks with me. I don't know if that's because he's a self-proclaimed psychopath (hopefully that's not a stupid theory), because other friends seem to get bothered by me.